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Funny Stuff - December 2007




Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.


My Mother, she told me no end,
"If you got a tooth, you got a friend"
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time... I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fiIlin's
Injections and drillin's
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,
In these molars of mine,
"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there."

How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.


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A Guide to France by James Blatchford

December 23rd 2007 04:13

The following advice for American travelers going to France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the CIA, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and some really, really expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

** General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with no decent shops. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many WILL speak English, if shouted at.


** People
France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue, or line. The French people are in general, gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.

** Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and the increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.

** History
France's historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

** Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for governmental purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though confusingly they are both on the ground floor), and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveler. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain. According to the most current American State Department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

** Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

** Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this.

** Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

** Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handedDays, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.

** Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people did not inhabit it. The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.




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The Old Woman from Cod

December 23rd 2007 01:14



An Oldie but a Goodie

There was an old woman from Cod
Who believed in conception by God
But it wasn't the Almighty
Who was lifting her nightie
Twas Roger, the lodger, the sod.
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Christmas Letter by Edward Bison

December 22nd 2007 01:49
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The Plan

December 22nd 2007 00:22

In the beginning was the Plan.

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Moving to the Country, Author Unknown

December 21st 2007 01:55
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Animals in the Outback

December 20th 2007 20:08
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Facts about Australia for the American Tourist


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Moishe Plotnik

December 19th 2007 20:30


Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry


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Suri, a Stranger to Santa Clause

December 18th 2007 20:52


Pity poor Suri, a stranger to Santa Clause


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HUMOUROUS/WITTY QUOTES

December 18th 2007 19:56


"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important


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The 50 Inch Plasma by Edward Bison

December 17th 2007 20:07
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Christmas Hams Hocked in Sydney

December 16th 2007 22:30
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Lorraine

December 16th 2007 20:08


There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Claire-Lee and she was absolutely gorgeous


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'Twas the night before Christmas

December 15th 2007 20:43

'Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa was a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct


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Replacing Quasimodo

December 14th 2007 20:52
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Hangover Star Ratings

December 14th 2007 03:07


Hangover Star Ratings


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Morning Poem

December 13th 2007 22:44


I woke early one morning


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Wendy

December 12th 2007 20:45


Jack has a girlfriend, Wendy, whom he loves a lot. To prove how much he loves her he gets 'Wendy' tattooed on his penis. When its erect it says her name and when its deflated it reads 'Wy'. Jack and Wendy go on holiday to Jamaica. There they try a nude beach. They are having a great time when Jack decides to get up from sunbathing and get a drink at the beach bar


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Air Traffic Controllers

December 12th 2007 20:43
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The Farmer and the Little Old Lady

December 12th 2007 20:39


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home


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Irish Guide to Medical Terms

December 12th 2007 20:36
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Learning German

December 12th 2007 20:34


St. Elsewhere Hospital NHS Trust


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Corporate Lesson

December 12th 2007 20:30

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

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Shipwreck

December 12th 2007 20:26
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere the following people are suddenly stranded by as you might expect a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman


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Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

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