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Funny Stuff - May 2008

Twelve New Priests

May 29th 2008 21:44
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.


She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.



Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.


Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.


When he bent over to pick it up......














All the bells started ringing.

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Old Farmer's Advice

May 28th 2008 22:46






Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumblebee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.


Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.


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SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped
dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,
then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a
new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty
times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy... .

A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Your cousin is jealous and wants one, so he starts a civil war over
it!

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
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Ludwig von Beethoven

May 27th 2008 21:48
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Billy Graham's Limo

May 26th 2008 22:09
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Oh Fred!

May 25th 2008 23:34
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Jet Fuel

May 25th 2008 23:01

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

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The Prawn and the Cod

May 23rd 2008 21:55
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Mowing the Lawn

May 22nd 2008 21:57
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Etiquette of the Aussie Barbie

May 21st 2008 21:36
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Big Shot

May 20th 2008 21:44
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The Stockbroker

May 20th 2008 00:52
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Company Policy

May 18th 2008 21:41
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Three Dead Bodies

May 18th 2008 00:27

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

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Mohammed Rashid, a 62-year-old Turk, shows off his mighty moustache in Beirut, Lebanon. The 1.6m effort is the world's longest - he even charges $5 a pop for a souviner picture


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Little Johnny and Bill Cosby

May 16th 2008 22:02


One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday


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Gun Slinger Tips

May 15th 2008 21:44
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Sheep Farmer's Logic

May 15th 2008 21:32
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The Soldier and the Marines

May 14th 2008 21:40
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Little Johnny and Honesty

May 14th 2008 21:35
Little Johnny tries to be truthful.

A grade five teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she


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The Farmer's Pet Rooster

May 13th 2008 23:27


An old farmer went to town to see a move and the ticket agent asked 'Sir, what's that on your shoulder


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Half a Cake

May 13th 2008 22:46
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Small Texas Person

May 13th 2008 21:18
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants


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The Retiring Postman

May 13th 2008 00:42
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Use a Candle

May 12th 2008 23:49


Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody


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Things my Mother Taught Me

May 10th 2008 22:37
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Dancing Mona Lisa

May 9th 2008 22:03
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Rush Order

May 8th 2008 22:02
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Karate Chop

May 8th 2008 21:19
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Forgiveness

May 8th 2008 03:34
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Layoff

May 7th 2008 21:20


The Boss had to fire someone. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning


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The Dwarf

May 7th 2008 20:45
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Captain Bravo

May 6th 2008 23:58


Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic


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Stammerers Action Group

May 5th 2008 09:58

A notably comely young speech therapist is getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action Group. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she says "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will make wild and passionate love to you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

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Special High Intensive Training

May 5th 2008 04:30

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

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