Anne TootillChristmas Letter by Edward Bison
December 22nd 2007 01:49
Christmas Letter
It'll soon be that time of year again, when Christmas cards (or holiday greetings cards) start dropping in your mailbox. Some of them will come with a bonus - the annual Christmas letter. Now I don't get many of these. I like to think it's because my friends aren't dicks, but of course it might just be that I don't have many friends. When you start receiving them it's a sure sign that you've grown up and joined the ranks of the dull and sensible, or at least that your friends have, and that they're trying to kid themselves that you have too. They are also laboring under the gross misapprehension that the recipient of their photocopied holiday letter gives a flying fuck about what their overachieving little bastard offspring have been doing during the twelve months since their last missive. The fact that you've been incommunicado during that entire time did not deter them from including you again because, let's face it, who wouldn't want to know all the details of their fabulously exciting life?
These letters tend to fall into two categories. The first (and most common) attempts to portray the sender and their family as successful, happy and well-adjusted, the blatant self-praise not disguised by the occasional use of self-deprecating humor. ("...and we laughed when Gerald was awarded the Nobel price for medicine because he'd always wanted to win in literature, and you'll remember that his brother won that last year..." The second category contain stories of struggle overcome during the year, usually divorce, illness or financial despair, and in spite of the upbeat tone of the writer it's clear that they are only one bad day away from slitting their wrists in a warm bath.
There are generally two options for dealing with Christmas letters. One involves reading them with your spouse and sharing the emotion involved in connecting with far-flung friends at this special time of year. The other involves taking the piss and imagining the truth behind all those stories of unalloyed achievement. (To be fair there is an Option Three, but it only works if the letter is printed on soft, absorbent paper, or you're completely out of Charmin Extra Strong.) Option One is more likely to result in you sending back your own photocopied letter; please bear in mind that if you do this you are at significant risk of being a ****. There is a fine line to walk here. Should you nevertheless decide to walk the path of ****ness and send a letter back you still have to write the bloody thing. Here at Bison Enterprises we feel your pain and therefore I have included below a generic Christmas letter that you may feel free to modify and send to your friends this holiday season. It works best if you (the writer) are a suburban minivan-driving mother of two, one boy and one girl. If you have a different selection of kids please adjust accordingly; if you are in fact a man please refrain from sending any such letter unless you are in receipt of a note from your doctor confirming that you have no balls and are therefore excused from acting like a guy:
OPTION ONE
Dear (INSERT DULL FRIEND'S NAME)
Well, I can hardly believe it's been a year since I last wrote! (REMEMBER TO USE LOTS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS) Doesn't time fly these days? It's been a busy year at the (INSERT YOUR NAME) household again. Did I tell you that (INSERT HUSBAND) is a Senior Vice-President at NobCorp now? He has a wonderful new office with windows all around, and a brand new Mercedes S500. Of course he kept his Porsche as well - he does love his runs in the country! The new job came with a huge pay rise of course - we simply don't know what to do with the money. Once we paid off the morgage on our second home in California and fully funded the kids' college accounts we simply racked our brains for ages. Then I came up with it. A yacht! What a wonderful idea! We simply love it, and you meet such wonderful people at the yacht club. We've been invited to a place in the Hamptons next Spring by this lovely couple - he's something big in finance and owns an island! I don't think you have a yacht, do you?
Not to be outdone, (INSERT NAME OF SPOILED SON) has had a successful year as well. He's been made captain of the lacrosse team and the tennis club, and his grades are wonderful. The school suggested we have him tested as a possible genius! It just goes to show what a good investment the fees are for the (INSERT NAME OF HIDEOUSLY EXPENSIVE PRIVATE SCHOOL) school - a sacrifice worth making, I think. Next term he's going to be studying three languages and learning the French horn. I always joked with (INSERT HUSBAND) that he gets his musical ability from me!
Meanwhile (INSERT NAME OF IRRITATING DAUGHTER) has been doing wonderfully since she started at her new middle school last year. She's been selected to represent the state at a debating competition in Washington DC next month but she still finds time to write to her congressman about problems in the third world. One of her letters was published in (INSERT CRAPPY MAGAZINE) and I think I see a future in politics or maybe even public relations!
My life has just been a whirl since I was voted chair of the PTA at the school. Did I tell you that I beat seven other candidates? I think they could tell that I had the experience and drive to take the (INSERT CRAPPY SCHOOL NAME) PTA to the next level. I hardly have time for my expressive dance, yoga, pilates or creative writing group anymore. Thank goodness that (INSERT HUSBAND) got me that housekeeper to help me out!
Yours Joyfully (INSERT YOUR NAME)
OPTION TWO
Dear (INSERT DULL FRIEND'S NAME)
Well, I can hardly believe it's been a year since I last wrote. (NO EXCLAMATION MARKS IN THIS ONE) Doesn't time fly these days? It's been a trying year at the (INSERT YOUR NAME) household. Did I tell you that (INSERT HUSBAND) has left me and set up home with his secretary? She's twenty years younger than him, for heaven's sake. Of course I hired a good attorney and we're trying to trace his assets but it turns out that he's been running up gambling debts for years and I'm not sure that he has any money left. I think I might lose the house - I got a visit from a man called "Big Frankie" last week about some loans that (HUSBAND) took out.
Unfortunately, (INSERT NAME OF SON) has had a difficult year as well. His grades have been slipping and what with all the mood swings I'd just put it down to those difficult teenage years. But then the police showed up and it turns out he's been using drugs. It started with glue but now he's onto dope and they say he's been selling it to friends at school. His case comes up in juvenile court next month.
Meanwhile (INSERT NAME OF DAUGHTER) has some great news. She's pregnant. Of course it was a little sooner than we'd hoped, but her boyfriend is very nice really, you can't tell anything about someone just by looking at their tattoos and piercings. The school has been very supportive and they're letting her stay on until she shows, but she's very worried that (INSERT NAME OF DELINQUENT BOYFRIEND) won't be able to see the birth if the state proceeds with the statutory rape charges.
My life has just been a whirl since I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome. It's hard work keeping up with the support group, and I'm responsible for editing their newsletter. It's called "Go Time!" and I think it's really good. My doctor says the stress isn't helping, but I had my first firm stool for a month yesterday so things are looking up!
Yours Stoically (INSERT YOUR NAME)
Just pick one and fill in the blanks. This may be the last year you ever receive a Christmas letter. And don't say I never do anything for you!
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
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